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su-sur-rus-es


soft murmuring or rustling sounds; whispers

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The fuck is my life. I'm so happy. It's weird that the first time I've been good at all this year is making my parents stressed out. I know they want me to pay back my debts and take responsibility for all of my actions, but I wish they would just give me a break and be happy that I finally feel okay. It's been a long time coming. Who are you? Where did you come from? I didn't know I needed you. There is no way you are all these things that I need. No way. Where is the fine print?

I am trying so hard to not be completely sucked in. But I'm losing. You. You you you.

/lovey silly rant

Current Location:
Canada, Regina
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Do you really like me, or is it just that you haven't had any physical contact since the time you tried to rape me and my girlfriend four years ago when we all did acid?

Are you really so oblivious that you don't recognize nervousness and eye contact avoidance and stopping your hands as a "NO"? Or are you just pretending like it's okay because I haven't been forceful enough? So I must just be okay with it?

I even feel guilty about writing this, making you the bad guy. Even though I know you don't read this.

Because I kind of honestly believe you think you're not doing anything wrong.

This world is a bad place sometimes.

Current Mood:
confused confused
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I try to be a good person. I really do. And part of that is telling people what I am not up for.

But another part of that is that I don't want to hurt people.

These things are conflicting.

Often.

I'm afraid to leave the person I've been staying with because they've told me half a dozen times at least that I was the reason they didn't kill themselves. How am I supposed to deal with this?

It's not just worry. I try not to worry too much. It's genuine. I don't know if they'll stay alive.

But I can't make that my life, can I? Is sacrificing what I want to be doing okay if it saves another life? Surely two lives are better than one.

I wish I hadn't gotten this involved, but then I don't because I love them. And I want them to be around.

I just want everything to stop for a minute so I can breathe again.

Current Location:
United States, Wisconsin, Neenah
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
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I wish I could tell my dad how much I love him. Apparently we have the same laugh, the same handwriting. I understand him so much more than I can express, and I feel like maybe it goes both ways, but who will ever know. We share the same shyness and inability to express feelings. The most intimate interactions we have are emails with song recommendations. It hurts to think that he might never really know how much he means to me.
Current Location:
Canada, Alberta, Edmonton
Current Mood:
discontent discontent
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Going through my old old lj, found this. A lot more is applicable now than it used to be. Kinda long, but interesting, at least to me.

ridiculous whateverCollapse )

Can't link to where I stole this from any more, because it no longer exists. I suppose that's what happens when 7 years pass.

Current Mood:
high high
Current Music:
Kimya Dawson - Tire Swing | Powered by Last.fm
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Whoa, hi livejournal. S'been awhile. We should hang out again. Still posting on tumblr alllll the time, but it's all fluff. Can't even remember the last time I had a good rant to get things off my chest. Miss it. Miss you. How have you been this past year?
Current Location:
bed
Current Mood:
lonely lonely
Current Music:
Beach Boys
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Well... it appears all my good intentions of keeping up with this journal just aren't enough. I seem to post more regularly on my tumblr for some reason. Maybe I've just gotten too depressing here and needed somewhere with more light-hearted associations? Anyways. I'm in London (UK), have been for about a month. Should technically be here and around the UK for the next two years, if I ever find a job. Which is NOT going well. I have 30 pounds to my name (how do I do the symbol for pounds on a non-UK keyboard?), and nowhere to live at the end of the month. Eee... Wish me luck?

P.S. Does anybody else have a tumblr? For I to follow you?

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I'm at work. I have to turn on the open sign in three minutes. But I can't stop crying... I don't even know why.

Lady's been gone to the middle of nowhere for 4 days now, hasn't attempted to call me once. I don't even know where she is.

Current Mood:
numb lost
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Man man man. I can't remember ever being this bored. I don't get bored easy. I'm usually pretty good at doing and thinking about nothing for long periods of time. I think it's because I'm seeing my Alison after werk and I just want to be seeing her noww. I haven't seen her in like two whole days and I misses her. Is it weird to miss a friend so much, so easily? I don't care.

I went to this meditation group yesterday. I was looking forward to it so much, and was so let down. I just wanted someone to talk all soothing and calm me down and tell me how to breathe. But they were talking all soothing about envisioning the "16th Karmapa" bathing you in light and transmitting his knowledge to you. And they chanted. They really chanted. I felt like I was in a cult. Stupid bitches making such a good thing such a religion. 

I keep having these dreams about living in communal-type situations. Awhile ago, it was in my parents' house (6 bedrooms), but there were like 30+ lesbians living in and around it. There were just people everywhere, all the time. I loved it. Then last week-ish, I dreamed I lived in this apartment that was more like a garage or a storage locker, in a neighborhood made up of all the same. So there were three walls, and the fourth was always open, except for in bad weather. Probably around 8 people lived in my apartment, which was just one room with a few bunk beds, and random curtains hanging everywhere. They would all just do their own thing, come and go whenever, and there were always dozens of people outside on the grass, just hanging out or making music. Somebody tell me where this place exists. I'll leave right now.
Current Location:
werk
Current Mood:
mellow mellow
Current Music:
bad bad radio
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Hey guess what, livejournal. I'm in a good mood. Holy. 

Well, the new apartment is good and bad. We have this roommate who we were told would only be there a week out of the month, but it seems to be the 18th... and he's still there... and talking about selling his big screen tv to be able to make rent. Mannn, if we get evicted because of him. Not cool. Also he is under the assumption that anyone living with him is supposed to be his best friend and hang out all the time. And I mean. I'm all about being friendly, but I like to relax and be alone when I get home, and I have tv, internet, bed and bathroom all in my room. AND it doesn't smell like poop, as the main living room does (I was waiting for him to leave to clean and get rid of gross boy smell, but as I said, he hasn't left yet). 

I finally got a job, after being completely lazy for like a month and a half. I'm working at The Cash Store. Doesn't sound too glamorous, but I like it. Been here a whole week and haven't hated it once. Good sign. I give people loans every once in awhile, but mostly I play games online, facebook, lj, whatnot. And get paid decently to do it. And hey, this is what I would be doing at home. For reals. 

Tonight I'm going to some random meditation group, as I have been wanting to do for the longest time, but have always been too nervous. I don't like when people notice my existence. And when it's an established group that I just show up at, chances are they'll not only notice me, but also try to welcome me, and god forbid, ask me questions and try to get to know me. *shudder* But yes. My wonderfully amazing friend, Alison, is coming with me, so I can share the attention. Eee.

Hey guess what? I just got paid like $6 to make this entry. Now I'm going to play maybe $10-$15 worth of sudoku. Oh, you're jealous.
Current Location:
workee
Current Mood:
content content
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