?

Log in

su-sur-rus-es


soft murmuring or rustling sounds; whispers

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
I keep wanting to post something happy. Or hopeful. But I can't find it. I have this ache in the pit of my stomach that I don't know how to fix.

I've never been in a relationship and happy at the same time. Never. Too bad I frickin love this girl so much. What do you do. Too bad she makes me want typical things like a career that I care about, and a family. Even when in the back of my mind, I can't ever see myself there.

I'm moving across the city tomorrow. I keep thinking how peaceful it will be, away from the loud traffic and the bars in all directions. Just in this quiet residential area where I can ride my bike around and fall asleep reading in the grass. Maybe it will be better. Maybe it will be exactly the same.

I guess that's as much hope as I can muster at this time. It's something.

Sigh.

This entry was not supposed to be like this.

Current Location:
kitchen table
Current Mood:
crappy crappy
Current Music:
cars through open windows
* * *
Some days, like today, I come home, don't take off my jacket, and just sit at the computer. I don't do anything, I just sit there. I look at the desk next to my laptop, consider having a drink, or even just turning on some music. But I don't. I almost cry a few times, but stop because I don't know why I'm crying. I look at myself in the mirror above the desk and feel nothing. Then I look at the clock and realize I've been home for an hour and a half.

I feel like I've gone somewhere else, and left my body here, filled with empty space, empty thoughts. Don't ask me what I want, how to fix it. I wouldn't be able to tell you.

Current Location:
the desk
Current Mood:
blank blank
* * *
Just posting a few sentences has seemed like too much effort these days. I can't find the drive to do anything. I could stare at the wall for days. Nothing thrills me. I feel as though I was just thrown into this life when I wasn't looking.

I should be alone. I'm essentially married to someone who is, and always will be, completely foreign to me.

She wants so many beautiful things in her future. I could be a drunk living in a motel at 50. And I think I would be happy.

Current Location:
in bed
Current Mood:
blank blank
Current Music:
CocoRosie - Promise
* * *
Well I'm making yet another one of these. I don't like having too much of a past connected to who I am now. So I guess right here is the beginning of whatever comes next.
Current Location:
work
Current Mood:
restless restless
Current Music:
white stripes
* * *

Next